You’re in the kitchen trying to get dinner ready on time. Because if the kids don’t eat on time, everyone gets hangry. The pasta water is boiling and you’re trying to open the can of sauce which isn’t budging (“Why is this so hard! I refuse to ask my husband for help”), and your three-year-old found that really annoying dump truck with the LOUD BEEP that you thought you hid in the basement. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. “Eli, can you go wash your hands? Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”. You’re feeling proud for staying calm even though that LOUD BEEP is really setting you over the edge and you’re plotting the truck’s demise. You even remembered to give Eli a transition warning, you think to yourself. Parenting win!
And then the oven timer goes off and you get distracted by that darn can of pasta sauce. Five minutes later you look over and Eli hasn’t budged. “Eli, sweetie, I told you, go wash your hands please”. Three minutes later and now you’re really getting ticked off. He isn’t even acknowledging you. He must have inherited the selective hearing gene from his father. “Eli, this is your third time. Go wash your hands.” Nothing. Not even a flinch. And now you’re really annoyed, because you don’t have time for this! You raise your voice above that darn beep and yell “Come on Eli, I’ve had enough, go wash your hands! I’ve had enough with that truck. If you don’t listen it’s going in the trash!” He turns his head to look at you, and you can see it happening. Meltdown city here we come. Who were you kidding thinking you had it all together?
Does this sound familiar?
You’re not alone! It’s so easy to get stuck in the trap of constant reminders as you gradually raise your voice, and before you know it, you’re yelling and your child is crying, and you’re both annoyed. But there’s another option.
Here’s how to get your toddler to listen the first time. Follow these six steps to promote compliance without yelling.
1. Set yourself up for success.
I know you’ve always got a minimum of three things going on. And you don’t have the time to stop what you’re doing and walk over to your toddler. I know. But I promise you, it’s well worth the effort. Before giving an instruction, put whatever you’re doing on pause. Walk over to where he is and get on his eye level. You should be within arms reach before you give him an instruction.
Just think of the frustration this will save you in the end!
2. Gain their attention.
Why does it always seem like your toddler isn’t listening when you tell him to do something?! Because hi isn’t. You have to gain his attention first. If he’s in the middle of playing with something, like the dumptruck with the really LOUD BEEP, gently put your hand on his arm. Or better yet, turn off the beep. Say his name in a calm tone of voice. Look for signs that he’s paying attention before proceeding. He might look at you, give some form of verbal recognition “What?”, or stop what he’s doing.
If this is a new skill for your child, take some time to practice it. In the beginning, make sure to give him lots of praise, “Thanks Eli! I love how you looked mamma in the eyes when I called your name.”
3. Tell, don’t ask.
This is a tricky one. Because we don’t even know we’re doing it. Next time you want your child to do something, pay attention to how you tell them. My guess is that you ask it as a question.
Can you wash your hands? Can you pick up your toys? Do you want to put on your pajamas?
Well guess what? The answer is NO. He doesn’t want to put on his pajamas.
Instead of asking, get in the habit of phrasing instructions as statements.
Wash your hands. Pick up your toys. Put on your pajamas.
Your instructions should be direct, clear and concise. Avoid wordy or indirect instructions (“Wouldn’t it be nice if somebody cleaned up the playroom?”).
Don’t worry, there’s a time and place when it’s appropriate to ask your toddler to do something. More on that later.
4. Praise them for listening!
What you do after delivering the instruction is just as important as what you do before delivering the instruction.
If your child follows your instruction, acknowledge their success! You don’t need to go completely overboard, but you should use verbal praise (“Thanks for listening buddy!”) or a quick high-five or pat on the back. Every now and then, throw in a tangible reward, especially when he follows an instruction that used to be a struggle. This doesn’t have to be expensive! Usually something small like a sticker or 5 extra minutes of play time before bed will work.
5. Follow-through.
Now in a magical world, if you follow all of the steps outlined above, your toddler would start listening to everything that you say. I hate to burst your bubble, but that’s not quite the world we live in. Even when you get close, gain his attention, and give the instruction as a statement, there will be times when he doesn’t listen to you.
Be prepared to follow through when your toddler doesn’t listen.
Wait 5 seconds after delivering the initial instruction.
If your child doesn’t listen, restate the instruction, in a calm tone, and provide him with assistance. For example, if you’ve told him to put away his toys, point to the toy and then point to the toy bin. If pointing doesn’t work, gently put his hand on the toy and guide it to the toy bin.*
Once your child starts listening, acknowledge him (“Thank you for cleaning up”). Don’t be as energetic with your praise as when he follows the first time.
*Avoid physical struggles. If prompts lead to physical battles, aggression, or throwing, there are other strategies you can use. One is waiting it out. Remove access to anything fun and continue to state the instruction about once every 30 seconds in a neutral tone until your child starts to listen. For more assistance on how to address resistance, contact a practitioner who specializes in behavior management.
6. Know your limits.
This is the most important tip of all. Because let’s face it. There are times when you just don’t have the energy or time to get close, gain his attention, and follow through. That’s ok. Be patient with yourself. If it’s one of those days, go easy on yourself and on your child. This is when those questions come in handy! Instead of telling him to do something, if you know you’re not going to follow through, ask him instead. Then if he says “No”, it’s no big deal.
Putting It All Together
To recap, here are the 6 steps to getting your toddler to listen without yelling.
Set yourself up for success. Stop what you’re doing and walk over to them. Get close and on their level.
Gain attention. Make sure you have your child’s attention before you give the instruction.
Tell, don’t ask. Give the instruction as a statement, with clear and concise language.
Praise them for listening! Give your child lots of attention when they listen to you. Acknowledge their success!
Follow-through. If your child doesn’t listen to the instruction the first time, state the instruction again and follow-through.
Know your limits. Be patient with yourself and your child.
Ask for help.
If this seems daunting or you run into roadblocks, reach out to a professional for help. Find someone trained in Behavioral Parent Training. They’ll give you concrete strategies that are individualized for you and your family.
About Me
Alissa Greenberg, PhD, BCBA-D, has extensive experience working with parents and helping them address their child’s challenging behaviors. As a licensed psychologist and Board Certified Behavior Analyst at the doctoral level, Alissa uses Behavioral Parent Training when working with families in the Bay Area and beyond. She’s also available for telehealth parent training sessions for families throughout CA. Contact her at info@focusedbehavioralsolutions.com or 925-800-3398 to schedule a free consultation.
This blog is not intended as therapeutic or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional.